What's Our Story

From Jake
       I've taken a lot of time to decide whether to write a post or not. I haven't felt a strong urge to express to the world how I feel until now. Don't get too excited because I'm probably just going to ramble on and on.
       It's been about 27 days since Beck entered this world with a bang; and it took a monumental effort in the first couple of days to keep him with us. Even though he need a lot of intervention he greatly impressed the whole NICU team with his response to the treatment. This gave Amy and I so much comfort that our Lord was with Beck. One of the docs said "I can't believe how well he is doing...he's a different kid." All I could think to myself was, "I asked God not to hold back on miracles" because I knew we would need a whole basket full and God poured out his grace to Beck. And for the past few weeks all we focused on is "growing" Beck. Packing on the ounces (he's over 6 pounds now) to where he now doesn't fit in preemie clothes anymore. But, the docs warned us that this journey will be a roller coaster.
As I write this blog Beck is getting a spinal tap (drawing spinal fluid) because he has been struggling for several days with maintaining his vitals. They believe Beck may have an infection which has caused him to periodically stop breathing(apnea). These event are extremely scary. You get to watch your kid's vitals dump and all you want to do is hold him but you can't touch him because the docs want to see if he can "self" recover. After about 7 seconds if he's hasn't started breathing you have to stimulate him by rubbing his back or feet to remind him to breath. I think this event is why I have finally decided to write. The uncertainty that we still feel about bringing Beck home is still real.
         Amy and I had the chance to go out to dinner the other night because my sister was willing to babysit Beck for us(we didn't have to try very hard:). We were so excited to get to go on a date and escape the NICU for a couple hours. However, the NICU followed us on our date and we spent the better part balling our eyes out as we let all our emotions flow. What I realized is that I'm struggling to separate what happened with my daughter Hailey from my current situation with Beck. I feel "on guard" all the time because if I let my guard down then I'm gonna loose Beck. I have felt unable to fully put God in control of Beck. I feel that somehow by me worrying I can extend Beck's life. I so want to be his dad and make everything better fully knowing my Heavenly Father is far more capable. "Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"Matthew 6:27 There is so much more in the rest of this chapter but this verse helps to calm the heart. I keep telling myself "let go and give it to the one that can bare it." This feels impossible! If I let my guard down I will lose Beck. Horrible feeling.
       I don't have a fancy way of summing up this blog or a feel good ending to let you all know I'm ok or in a good place. I want so badly to bring my son home and am clouded by that desire. However, I will give you some good news, Beck tolerated the spinal tap really well and now they will start antibiotics to try to stay ahead of a possible infection. Pray for more miracles.