Two Days

It has only been TWO DAYS since I last wrote and it feels like ten.

Wednesday night our baby boy's heart rate kept dropping. At 24 weeks pregnant, with no fluid, it is common for babies to squish their umbilical cord. Hailey did this as well. His heart rate would go down in the 70's and stay for 2 minutes until he rolled off of it. Then it would shoot right back up to the 140's. He has continued to do this now for two days. It is exhausting!! Monitoring all the time, rolling from side to side, back and forth, trying to get him off his cord. It is in these moments that I wonder, how can I have the strength to do this again? Surely I can't. Very little sleep, very little to eat,  sore muscles and body from moving and then staying in one certain position, doctors coming in wondering if it is time to induce or keep baby in there, talking about risks, only to decide it is better for him to stay in there. Sometimes I think I know too much for my own good about this process.

I finally have a few hours off of the monitor this afternoon. I get to maybe sleep, eat, sit up and MAYBE go on a walk around the wing!!! When I got off the monitor a nurse came in with some mail:) I got wool socks( totally awesome!) and a great book that I have read snip-its of and am looking forward to reading the whole thing. There wasn't a name with it, so if it were you, THANK YOU A MILLION TIMES OVER! It couldn't have shown up at a better time.

There are so many things to be thankful for. So much praise to God for the answered prayers thus far. I have made it 24 weeks, stopped bleeding, my white blood counts are back down, and contractions have stopped thus far. Continued prayers for wisdom for the doctors, this little boy to stop squishing  his cord so his heart can beat(and his momma to get some sleep), emotional and physical strength for me, strength for Jake as he is home for most of the week working(he did rush down Wednesday night), and a guarding over Mason as he is confused about what is happening with his mom being gone now for two weeks. We are so thankful for Jake's job and the allowance to leave at any moment to be down here and for family that is taking care of Mason.

In Your justice and Your mercy
Heaven walked the broken road
Here to fight this sinner's battle
Here to make my fall Your own

Turn my eyes to see Your face
As all my fears surrender
Hold my heart within this grace
Where burden turns to wonder

I will fight to follow
I will fight for love
Throw my life forever
To the triumph of the Son

Fighting for His triumph over this world, 
Amy

Hopefully Boring...

There is this fine line to dance around. With every bit of what seems to be good news, I am hit with the reality that I am still only 24 weeks pregnant. Just barely over half way of a normal full term pregnancy. The fact that babies can sometimes live outside a womb at this age is unimaginable at times. Yet, in my daily walk here I tend to think yeah, 24 weeks, our baby could be born and maybe live.

Jake and I also find ourselves dancing around our emotions too. We feel numb. Waiting for the emergency that is going to happen. We have to save our energy for that moment. We can't even start to hope because of last time or start to grieve because we have to save our strength. Last time, we were engulfed with all the statistics. This time we don't want to revisit those. We still remember all the numbers and frankly, we were on the wrong side of them last time. We aren't laking in confidence in our Lord. We know his ways are set, still proclaim his ordnance of all, and know his goodness and kingdom purposes are being fulfilled.  We just feel "here". Taking one day at a time and praying for strength for that one day, knowing whatever will come will be ordained by Him. There are numerous times in a day that I think to myself "ya, I could be here for a few more weeks, no problem." Then the next moment I think "There is no way I am going to make it another few hours".

I had my first ultrasound on Monday. AND we are having a boy!~ exciting times:) He looked fairly good. They estimated his weight at 716 grams (needed to be over 600 grams for certain instruments to be used in the NICU).  His overall growth was in the 67%, which compared to to Hailey's 7% we are grateful. My placenta still looks fully attached and in tact, giving him the desperate nutrition that he needs at this time! There is no way to measure maturation of lungs, pulmonary systems, or brain functions, but we are placing those once again in the hands our of Healer. He is currently breeched, so we are praying that before it is time to deliver he will do a 180 and make a natural birth possible. His femur is measuring almost 26 weeks(what can i say, I grow tall Jansen babies)! There were also three pockets of fluid measuring 5.2 cm. AFI.(Compared to Hailey, they were never able to measure the fluid) This is pretty exciting too. It means that baby is still producing fluid and peeing it out so that he can then in return inhale it to mature his lungs! This was probably the most exciting part of the ultrasound. That fluid will then leak out, BUT he is continually making more. The more I leak, the more he makes, the better for his lungs.

So with all that great news we received from the ultrasound, we still feel the need to check ourselves and remind ourselves that he is still only 24 weeks(and three days).

We are loving all the love and prayers! I am so thankful for friends and family at home taking care of Jake and bringing Mason to his music classes, and checking in with both of us! My mom went home yesterday. She had been such a great comfort and is already greatly missed. So if anyone is in Seattle, stop on by. I would love to see a familiar face!

I leave you tonight with a song that I listen to frequently by Kristian Stanfill called "Holding My World"

And this is Your world, you made it

And all of creation is breathing because You sustain it

Jesus, by your powerful word

You spoke out the earth and the heavens

So I will not worry or fret

My God is the God who will never forget

All of His goodness and all of His promises

He's holding my world in His hands

And these are Your days, you give them

All for Your fame and all for Your glorious kingdom

Jesus, You have ordained

All things to dwell in Your purpose

So I will not worry or fret

My God is the God who will never forget

All of His goodness and all of His promises

He's holding my world in His hands

And I am your child, beloved

And all of my days, my future is laid in your promise

Jesus, to the end of the age

I am not alone or forgotten

So I will not worry or fret

My God is the God who will never forget

All of His goodness and all of His promises

He's holding my world

Volume II Chapter I

 We're baaaack.

Sitting down to write this is such a surreal experience. I am writing you from a bed at University of Washington Medical Center, just a couple doors down from where I spent a month with Hailey.

A short 12 weeks after Hailey's passing, the unthinkable happened. We found out we were  pregnant. Again. Due five days before the year anniversary of Hailey. We weren't ready for this. We were still grieving Hailey. Should we be happy? Should we fear? Should we relive everything that happened over again to prepare? WHAT DO WE DO?!

The phone call to my doctor was one I almost felt shame for. I felt like her response would be " Why is this crazy lady pregnant again?" We kept our pregnancy a secret, partly  out of fear that other people would have this same response. And partly because we were still grieving Hailey and not even able to sort our own emotions out. I started my appointments with UW and everything looked really good! We were told this pregnancy looked closer to Mason's pregnancy than Hailey's. With each passing visit some of our fears were calmed but confidence was a ways off. We were just getting to the point where UW was going to release me back to my "island doctor" when my water broke spontaneously at 22 weeks. I was eating an apple on the couch talking with Jake after a long day. I immediately screamed "OH, GOD!!! NO!!! PLEASE!!! I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN!!" When Jake looked over at my soaking pants he called a neighbor to come sit with Mason, while he rushed me to the hospital where they transferred me down to UW.

I got my first and hopefully last ride ever in an ambulance. Those things are so claustrophobic and bumpy! Thankfully, some friends met us at the hospital and one rode with me down in the ambulance so Jake could go back home and gather some items and meet us down at UW.

So I have been here a week and a half now. Sitting in the same situation as we were with Hailey. Growing a baby who is trying to hang on with no fluid, with the possibility of going into labor at any moment.  Up until this point the baby has not been  considered"viable" outside of the womb. So, all of the focus has been on me. 50% of women who's water breaks go right into labor within the next 48-72 hours. Out of the 50% women who don't, 25% of them deliver within the next week. My first 11 days here have been uneventful due to the fact that there is no monitoring of baby. And my spirits lifted as my mom got to spend the week with me.

Today marks 24 weeks! The magic number around here for viability. The magic number that equates to the doctors that now is a practical time to fight for baby. So, just like last time, I started steroid shots today for Baby's lungs, and the dreaded monitoring. These are the things that haunt me while I am here. All of the dips in Hailey's monitoring flash before me like they are happening again.

There are a few differences that are worth noting between these two.
1. This Baby had fluid for what  they are guessing to be around 5 weeks more than Hailey. That means that this baby's lungs, pulmonary system, and brain development MAY be at an advantage.
2. The placenta in this pregnancy is not a lousy one like last time. So far, it is still in tact and not having a hard time feeding Baby, like Hailey's did. (I get my first ultrasound tomorrow to verify)

A few prayer requests for now:
1. I passed a blood clot last night and bled this morning. Now the bleeding is slowing down. Praying for no blood loss.
2. My white blood cell count is a tad elevated, meaning an infection may be brewing. If I get a fever, or another sign of certain infection, they will induce.
3.  Monitoring of Baby has looked good today. I am contracting but not intense enough and it does not effect Baby. Prayers for no contractions.
4. Our mental, emotional, and spiritual state.  Jake has to work during the week, so is unable to be with me.

Like I said to begin with, such a surreal state. We know that God will give us the strength that we need when needed. We have always felt that and continually do. However, it is when we try to take that strength and claim it as our own that we fall completely short. When I am weak, HE is strong.  I am claiming Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still". Practicing being still is so hard in this all too familiar place, yet in His presence, being still, is where we long to be.

The other night, teary-eyed Jake said "You know, if this baby only knows his true father, then why can I be so upset?" The peace we have felt with Hailey is still real and daily sought. It is a comfort to know that the same peace is available to us once again for this baby, whatever the outcome may be.

I know this post is a blabbering of scattered thoughts and information, but we once again wanted to invite you into this space with us, to walk with us, and to align our hearts together before our Sovereign Lord.

More updates to come,
Amy , for Jake too