Volume II Chapter I

 We're baaaack.

Sitting down to write this is such a surreal experience. I am writing you from a bed at University of Washington Medical Center, just a couple doors down from where I spent a month with Hailey.

A short 12 weeks after Hailey's passing, the unthinkable happened. We found out we were  pregnant. Again. Due five days before the year anniversary of Hailey. We weren't ready for this. We were still grieving Hailey. Should we be happy? Should we fear? Should we relive everything that happened over again to prepare? WHAT DO WE DO?!

The phone call to my doctor was one I almost felt shame for. I felt like her response would be " Why is this crazy lady pregnant again?" We kept our pregnancy a secret, partly  out of fear that other people would have this same response. And partly because we were still grieving Hailey and not even able to sort our own emotions out. I started my appointments with UW and everything looked really good! We were told this pregnancy looked closer to Mason's pregnancy than Hailey's. With each passing visit some of our fears were calmed but confidence was a ways off. We were just getting to the point where UW was going to release me back to my "island doctor" when my water broke spontaneously at 22 weeks. I was eating an apple on the couch talking with Jake after a long day. I immediately screamed "OH, GOD!!! NO!!! PLEASE!!! I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN!!" When Jake looked over at my soaking pants he called a neighbor to come sit with Mason, while he rushed me to the hospital where they transferred me down to UW.

I got my first and hopefully last ride ever in an ambulance. Those things are so claustrophobic and bumpy! Thankfully, some friends met us at the hospital and one rode with me down in the ambulance so Jake could go back home and gather some items and meet us down at UW.

So I have been here a week and a half now. Sitting in the same situation as we were with Hailey. Growing a baby who is trying to hang on with no fluid, with the possibility of going into labor at any moment.  Up until this point the baby has not been  considered"viable" outside of the womb. So, all of the focus has been on me. 50% of women who's water breaks go right into labor within the next 48-72 hours. Out of the 50% women who don't, 25% of them deliver within the next week. My first 11 days here have been uneventful due to the fact that there is no monitoring of baby. And my spirits lifted as my mom got to spend the week with me.

Today marks 24 weeks! The magic number around here for viability. The magic number that equates to the doctors that now is a practical time to fight for baby. So, just like last time, I started steroid shots today for Baby's lungs, and the dreaded monitoring. These are the things that haunt me while I am here. All of the dips in Hailey's monitoring flash before me like they are happening again.

There are a few differences that are worth noting between these two.
1. This Baby had fluid for what  they are guessing to be around 5 weeks more than Hailey. That means that this baby's lungs, pulmonary system, and brain development MAY be at an advantage.
2. The placenta in this pregnancy is not a lousy one like last time. So far, it is still in tact and not having a hard time feeding Baby, like Hailey's did. (I get my first ultrasound tomorrow to verify)

A few prayer requests for now:
1. I passed a blood clot last night and bled this morning. Now the bleeding is slowing down. Praying for no blood loss.
2. My white blood cell count is a tad elevated, meaning an infection may be brewing. If I get a fever, or another sign of certain infection, they will induce.
3.  Monitoring of Baby has looked good today. I am contracting but not intense enough and it does not effect Baby. Prayers for no contractions.
4. Our mental, emotional, and spiritual state.  Jake has to work during the week, so is unable to be with me.

Like I said to begin with, such a surreal state. We know that God will give us the strength that we need when needed. We have always felt that and continually do. However, it is when we try to take that strength and claim it as our own that we fall completely short. When I am weak, HE is strong.  I am claiming Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still". Practicing being still is so hard in this all too familiar place, yet in His presence, being still, is where we long to be.

The other night, teary-eyed Jake said "You know, if this baby only knows his true father, then why can I be so upset?" The peace we have felt with Hailey is still real and daily sought. It is a comfort to know that the same peace is available to us once again for this baby, whatever the outcome may be.

I know this post is a blabbering of scattered thoughts and information, but we once again wanted to invite you into this space with us, to walk with us, and to align our hearts together before our Sovereign Lord.

More updates to come,
Amy , for Jake too