The final post but not the finish line

It’s hard to know how to write now, or what to write. We really want to thank everyone for your prayers, thoughts and support through this time. It is such a comfort knowing that there is a community around us praying for us when we can’t, putting food in our fridge and just sitting with us during this time.

Good friends of ours lost their son last year too early as well. I wanted to share something she wrote during the time after they lost him. 

“People always want to know if you've healed after a few weeks have passed.

The thing about trauma and loss is that the term "healing" is relative. You don't heal, you are changed. You live with the fact that there is forever a hole in your heart that cannot be replaced. You walk to a different cadence, you pray different prayers, and you are totally and completely a different person.

Yes, God redeems. God heals. But it's not all promised right now. Until that day, you learn to walk with a limp.”

During this week after Hailey has gone we have reflected on so many different things. We want to share so many thoughts with you and where our hearts are at (watch out it differs every day). Through all of the legalities that we have to navigate (birth and death certificates, meeting with funeral home, social security, insurance issues, etc.) our hearts have stuck on a couple thoughts.  These thoughts were thoughts that were milled over a couple years ago with a close friend and mentor. Little did we know that years later we are finding ourselves coming back to them and rooting ourselves deep in the truths of them.

The first thought is the concept and theology of the ‘already but not yet’. When we accept Christ as Lord, we are promised to be a new creation, a new being. We become one with Christ and through his death and resurrection we are free from the condemnation that all of us deserve. We get to live right now in the freedom that Christ so freely offers. But we are not yet finally and perfectly free. That will not happen until Christ returns and declares final victory! This is a great article by John Piper about the topic. http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/already-decisively-and-irrevocably-free-not-yet-finally-and-perfectly-free.

Jake and I find ourselves living in this beautiful mess. We have been looking and searching scripture to find/read and familiarize ourselves with the glory that Hailey is in, and finding so much joy and comfort in knowing that we will one day be there too. Our hearts dance thinking that Hailey is with our five other babies we have lost and yet our hearts break a thousand times over knowing we won’t get to know Hailey’s heart or what makes her tick. I think we have been given a glimpse of what God feels like.

The other thought is that we as humans, created in the image of God, were created for intimacy, transparency and vulnerability.  Jake and I feel this so much. Our feelings differ each day. Some days are excruciatingly hard, and others are joyful. We are beyond grateful for the community that surrounds us and we are both scared and excited to re-submerge into our daily lives. We are scared to forget Hailey, scared to be needed by others to grieve, and just scared. But we are also excited. Excited to be with our church family again, excited to be living life again with the people that we love, and excited to be with Mason this summer.

So in an effort to maintain this intimacy that we crave Jake and I want to be transparent and vulnerable with people. We have thought a lot about what that looks like with others and we have come up with a few ideas that would be really helpful in our process of moving forward with everyone.  I, Amy, do really well with more specific questions. I don’t do well with vague questions (“how are you doing?”) I will probably answer just as vaguely. Truly, ask me anything. Just be prepared. Jake does better with no questions asked. If he wants to share, he will. If we randomly start crying with you just go with it as this is something that has changed our life and we are learning how to walk with a limp.

We are so grateful for the space and time that we have been given to grieve together as a family. We aren’t done grieving but are ready to be with friends and family.  We feel carried by Christ and given His strength to continue on this road. I am sure at some point we will try to make it on our own strength and I pray we can be pointed back to needing His strength to carry us. We love you all and thank you for going on the journey with us, hang on though because it isn’t done yet –See you soon!