Grieve Now or Later

      This journey that we have been on has been nothing short of an intense roller coaster ride. So many hurdles have been leaped by my little one but, my baby continues to fight. All the minds and all the stats show that if my baby is born today it would have less than a 50 percent chance of survival. With death being such a real possibility it is hard not to mourn for my child. However, I have found so much comfort in His love it is hard not to find JOY and HOPE during this time.
       For several weeks I have been trying to put into words why it has been relatively simple for me to have hope. Is it out of blind faith that I turn it over to God? Mostly no. Nor has it been because I am not willing to accept the circumstances of the situation. For me, in a strange way, it is out of pure and utter selfishness. I know that my mind and body cannot handle the stress and torment of events yet to be seen. I know I am not strong enough to bare the weight of the loss of my child. That selfishness, not wanting to grieve the loss of my child, was out of a desire for my own comfort, nothing else. But God has used my own selfishness to show me his love and comfort.
         Giving Him my burdens has given me the opportunity to stand along side my wife with a smile. Every time we have been given horrible news with a bleak outlook He has allow me to comfort my wife with Real Hope. He has used my own weakness to strengthen my family. He has allowed me to stand in his Living Water. Even though it was selfishness that caused me to bow my knee to him. He did not let me suffer but, lifted me up.
         These future events that are unseen so, I won't allow myself to grieve this child's life in preparation for that possibility. I choose to have Hope and live in my Lords comfort. His hands are still at work so, I'm going to let them work! I have no doubt that his comfort will be there no matter what the future holds. I have Hope and Joy because my Lord has given it to me!

Jake